Trying to have a relationship when you are an abuse survivor is more difficult than most. There are the obvious difficulties with attachment and trust, but people who have not experienced abuse (thankfully) need to understand the mind of the abuse victim in order to have a successful relationship.
Learning to Cope
Speaking from personal experience, having a relationship after abuse is extremely difficult. But, it is difficult not just because you have to fight the intimacy issues, and the hostility issues, and learn to deal with your anger appropriately, or because of the low self-esteem.
It is difficult because of the special senses us abuse survivors gained during our abuse. This doesn’t just apply to survivors of child abuse, but also adult abuse, for example in domestic violence cases.
Detachment
You see, when being abused, you learn how to cope. Some people detach themselves from the situation. Many people have heard of this, and it seems very logical. Your mind just sort of wanders from the abuse, especially during violent outbursts. You detach yourself from the pain, both emotionally and physically, and endure.
Eventually, you lose who you are. You methodically go through the motions, not really knowing what you like or dislike, what drives you and what bores you.
Survival
You don’t know these things because your life is about more than these frivolous things. Having interests and liking things is something you can’t afford.
Disliking something or being bored by something? Don’t be ridiculous. You have no idea what people are talking about. Your life is about survival, plain and simple.
Surviving abuse involves a great deal of detachment. It also involves the formation of a sixth sense. If you are to ever try to have a successful relationship with an abuse survivor, you need to understand this crucial point.
Sixth Sense
Abuse survivors have learned how to anticipate, and in the process, diffuse the situation. I learned this around the age of five and had perfected it by the age of seven. You see, I learned these skills from being physically, psychologically, and sexually abused for 10 years, in a very crucial time of my life – from the age of 2 until 12 years of age.
During this time, I consequently learned how to read micro-expressions. I started to become even more skilled, the more violent my home life became. The more times I entered my home not knowing what to expect, seeing a smile on my abuser’s face, assuming safety, only to find the maliciousness behind that smile, the more sophisticated my new sense became. My life depended on it, after all.
Watch more of my story here:
Sensing the Air
I started to be able to sense the air, the atmosphere of the room, learning to ‘feel’ and understand it. When I walked into a room and he was looking for a fight, I could actually feel the tension dripping from the air.
You see, the smile he showed to others to give a sense a safety and trust, really showed the anticipation he felt for what the near future held – the pain he would soon inflict on me.
Now, I knew the rules of the house and I dared not break them. Because of my developing talents, I also understood the hidden rules. This allowed me to anticipate his moods, words, feelings, and actions.
So, I learned to use this to my advantage, naturally. I adapted my words, actions, and even myself. This was my way to give him what he needed in order to avoid certain pain later.
Generally speaking, this ‘special’ sense saved my life. It is the reason I am alive today.
The Effects
Here’s the problem, and what anyone trying to love an abuse survivor needs to understand. That was 30 years ago. I have not been in a situation where my life has depended on that skill a single time since then, yet I still do it every singe day.
That’s right, in all aspects of my life, I constantly assess my situation to determine how critical it is. I ‘read’ each person in my environment to determine the threat.
I especially do this in my relationships. Every relationship I have ever had, from friendships to romantic relationships, I have ‘felt’ the atmosphere in the room.
I read something into everything. This is a skill that is part of me, and no matter how much time passes, it will never leave.
Super Senses
I can walk into a room and tell you who is upset at someone, is down-right fighting with someone, or who is in love. It is also very easy for me to spot who is shy and intimidated, and who is attempting so hard to gain trust. This means I can tell you who cannot be trusted, with no evidence what-so-ever.
I always second guess myself, thinking I am being pessimistic, reading too much into a situation, only to find out later just how right my instinct was.
Loving an Abuse Survivor
Great, right? Sure, if you want someone in your life that is constantly assessing the situation. However, if you are hoping to marry, as my husband learned, you have a bit of work ahead of you.
Marriage is not going to change anything. Abuse survivors are always going to be, well, survivors. I am always going to assess the situation, adjust to the ‘feeling’ in the room, be what the people in that room need me to be, and do what I need to do to survive.
Here’s a wonderful meditation that will help you to surround yourself with healing, protective energy, filling you with strength:
Expression
Thankfully I have learned to verbally express what I am feeling. And even more thankfully, I know I have a man that understands, because I verbally express myself each time I need to.
I tell him what I’m feeling, and we speak openly of my abuse. He hates that it happened to me, but recognises that it was a lifetime ago and I have done, and continue to do, what I need to to grow from my experiences.
He knows that when I react in a way that is not ‘normal’, or tell him I’m sensing something that I can’t put my finger on, that this is who I am, because of the abuse.
Communication
Communication is key, and what I failed to have in other relationships, including a previous marriage. Now I communicate not just the facts of the abuse, but when my senses have kicked into high gear.
And because I’ve communicated this, my husband is more patient. Let’s face it, sometimes he is giving off negative energy because of work, or other stresses. The world does not revolve around me, so not everything happening around me has anything to do with me.
It’s not always about me
But I will perceive it this way, because this literally saved my life for 10 years. No amount of time is going to change that. Luckily, me learning to communicate all this, to a man who is strong enough to attempt to understand it, has led to my first successful relationship in my entire life.
One Foot out the Door
However, there is a large part of me that feels I am still in that house, fighting for my life every day. It makes me need to fight every day to attach myself to this life I have created, with my man and his wonderful sons.
I fight to let them, and others, in and I fight to let them stay. In my survivor’s mind, I will always be looking for the way I can save myself if things go wrong. I will always be on heightened alert. I will always have one foot out the door.
That is not just my battle, it has also become his. He fights through this with me every day, not really understanding it, but respecting it. It’s not every man that can do that.
Really Fall in Love with HER
To have a relationship with an abuse survivor doesn’t just mean you need to listen to what they endured years ago.
It means you need to be able and willing to live with the consequences of that abuse for the unforeseeable future, because how she survived that abuse is now her nature.
It has made her who she is, and it isn’t going anywhere. But, isn’t that what drew you to her in the first place? Didn’t you fall in love with her because of who she is?
If you enjoyed this blog, you might be thinking about how your past abuse is still impacting your life.
When you’re ready for support in your healing journey, have a look at the Three Streams of Healing I have on offer. Each is designed to provide you with various levels of support, to meet you where you are on your path to recovery.
Lisa Cybaniak is a Motivational Speaker and NLP Coach who empowers women to overcome their self-limiting beliefs to build a life they deserve. To see how Lisa can help you process your unique journey and transform your life to one of meaning, love and ultimate happiness, book a complimentary call today. You deserve it!
New here? I write about overcoming child abuse, impostor syndrome and self-limiting beliefs. Here are some more blog posts that may help you overcome your past to build the life you deserve:
Why you Keep Attracting the Wrong Partner
Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life in 4 Steps
12 Positive Intentions to become a Survivor
Forget Failure, What if you Succeed?
Yoga: Connecting Mind & Body after Abuse
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I love this with all my heart. You took the words out of my mouth and made me feel like I’m not so crazy. Thank you..
I’m so glad! Thank You!
So true! I have been unrattling the rat’s nest in my mind for 4 years now. I was married to a very sick and abusive man for 35 years. It was my normal, he took over from the abuse I suffered at my mother’s hands. One abuser to the next…. It’s insane how you can adapt and not realize how crazy your life is for so long. Yet I am a smart well educated person with a great career.
I am still at a lost as to how it evolved over time, how insidious it became and how willing I was part of it all. It is like being brainwashed slowly carefully until you lose your inner compass. You are terrified because you are hollow inside. The decent clear thinking confident person you thought you once were is gone.
It took his death, and being left penniless for me to begin to understand what might have happened! The anger is mind boggling.
The disbelief unimaginable. The sadness bottomless. The despair and the lack of closure is ever present.
Yes it is hard to understand evil and to reconcile your life in the aftermath. Courage is essential! Time heals everything they say. I pray for the day that I may be healed.
Marie, I am so grateful that you found your way to this blog post and shared your story with us. That took a great amount of courage and strength, thank you.
It is shocking what we can adapt to, and what we can even come to accept and live with. Once out, we look back in bewilderment. I know I felt a lot of shame for not speaking out sooner. I also felt a lot of shame for continuing his negative mantra in my head for so long. I felt shame for not be stronger sooner.
Now, I look at things differently. I did the best I could in that situation, and I am so proud of myself for finally speaking up and for finally finding the strength to say no more to my own internal dialogue.
I once thought that if I ignored it, it would just go away – that I just needed time to forget. But no amount of time was changing the reality of what had happened. It took real work to look at the beliefs I gained because of the words and actions of my abuser, and even harder work to understand how those beliefs were impacting my life.
If you find yourself in a position of wanting help in your healing journey, please book a free Discovery Call to talk about my Survivor to Warrior coaching program. Until then, I hope my blog posts will continue to resonate with you!